Guest Post Written by Shanny-Dee
We have all grown up in a society that tells us we aren’t good enough. This is a trap, created by capitalism to make us buy products to “enhance” ourselves. However, a lot of us (millennials and gen Zer’s) have come to understand that the concept of us being inherently not “good enough” or “worthy enough” is false. The birth of the body positive and sex-positive movement has been revolutionary. Vagina-haver’s pleasure is now being prioritized. Feminism, done. Well...not exactly. See, when you’ve been force-fed this idea that your body is forever a “work in progress” it takes a lot to become not only confident but sexually.
So, here are some of my tips for being confident in your body, specifically in the bedroom.
If you are someone who likes sex, orgasms, etc...you are deserving of all the sexual pleasure you want and crave. That’s it. There is no debate. This doesn’t mean you’re entitled to have sex with someone who isn’t interested in you (consent in all aspects of sex is mandatory). However, having the urge to pleasure yourself and others is not wrong, sinful/shameful, or “dirty”...in fact, it’s extremely natural for some. It is a wonderful thing to be able to provide yourself sexual satisfaction and to share that satisfaction with your partner(s).
A good way to gain confidence in the bedroom is outside of the bedroom. Confidence is not a light switch that you can turn on and off. It is a spectrum (like most things) and if you want to gain confidence with your body in the bedroom, you must start feeling confident in your body in general. Some ways I have helped myself personally to do this is: following people on social media who look like me, who are happy and achieving the greatness I hope to achieve for myself. Stop worshiping Kim Kardashian, Bella Hadid, or whoever else society has told you has a “perfect” body. The “perfect body” doesn’t exist. Everyone has different likes, dislikes, and levels of attraction. I enjoy taking self-timer pictures, dressing up in cute outfits/lingerie, and flirting with people online. Seeing yourself as beautiful is so important, because you are.
Do NOT...I repeat, do NOT have sex or even entertain someone who does not respect you, your body, mind, or time. If you are dating, sleeping, hell...even married to someone who critiques your body harshly/negatively...leave (I’m aware this is easier said than done). You deserve to be adored by your partner and should never feel the need to change yourself because of their opinion. There will be someone who appreciates all of the unique, and wonderful things about you. Your body is not a problem, and you deserve to be respected (or disrespected...if that’s what you’re into #kinky).
Touch yourself. Yes, sexually...but also, in general. Date yourself, love yourself, cause at the end of the day, you should know yourself better than anyone else. Spend the time getting to know what you like/dislike in the bedroom through solo playtime. It’s going to make partnered sex a lot more enjoyable if you’re able to show your partner the ways you like to be touched and what helps you reach orgasm. Take the time to set the scene, light candles, draw a bath, put on some mood lighting, maybe even some smooth jazz (or in my case some Charli XCX cause I’m that brand of slutty).
Figure things out for yourself...do you like using toys or just your hands? How about both? Do you cum from vaginal penetration alone, or do you also need clitoral stimulation? Do you like things in your butt? It’s wonderful to be able to explore all of this with a partner, however, it’s very kind of you to help your partner with a bit of a head start. Your partner wants you to receive as much pleasure as possible...and if you find yourself with a lover who isn’t invested in your sexual pleasure and has 0 chance of improvement...at least you now know how to get yourself off independently.
Communicate your sexual wants/needs with your partner. Communicate your boundaries. Communicate, communicate, communicate. You should feel safe expressing your desires with your partner, and they should feel safe with you in return.
I hope this will help you in achieving your highest levels of pleasure...and if TLDR (too long, didn’t read) here's a recap: your sexual desires aren’t wrong, your confidence in the bedroom is a direct correlation to your confidence outside of the bedroom, don’t sleep with rude people, masturbate, and communication is a wonderful and useful tool.
Make sure to check out Shanny Dee's Instagram here!